Sunday, November 16, 2014

Me, Myself and I

That's right people...I'm back! I wish I could share some profound insight to my absense...but I cant. Nor do I actually have something profound to say in general. I have recently clumped together the main purposes of blogs and have sadly found I fit the bill for the "trying to make sense of my life single" blog...HA. But I also have been reading a book recently about the importance of acceptance. It shares the reality that as human beings we sometimes seek to make things in our life change because we do not accept what they are presently. In a sense we want a "bird to become a dog". As much as I have tried the past 5 years to change the reality of my single status...the bird is def. still flying and showing zero signs of a four legged furry puppy. Interestingly enough as the book continues it shares that once we "accept" it actually opens the door for change. Real change. Hence the billions of moments when blessed people share, "You will find that special someone, once you stop looking.". Sigh. 

Now I promise this won't be  post you wish you had never started to read. At least that's my goal by the end of this post. I guess I have realized that I started this blog years ago to help my healing. I felt the need to let out emotion and the poison that was starting to settle in my heart from anger, abuse and the loss of dreams. Then it became a blog to share insights, perhaps even miracles that were happening during my darkest hours. Now...I'm back's now just me, myself and I. 

That may seem quite sad, a bit negative or perhaps the next fabulous title of a Dr. Seuss book. But it's  just the truth. Now of course in a muh larger paradigm I am never alone. I know that my HF loves me. In fact he loves me enough to give me year after year with Me, Myself and I. It's been exhausting. For reals. Again don't get me wrong. I have come to see myself and my life more and more clearly as time passes. Instead of being damagingly humble, I have sought thee balance of meekness. If I were I be honest, I thought years ago I was in a battle with not only my Ex husband but a battle with God. Why couldn't they love me? Why had I not been enough? But just recently the deep reality of my story hit home...I have been in a full out arm wrestle with myself. Which is why no one is winning. I am smack dab in the middle. Arms shaking and the frustration building at the truth of my story. 

Now...I am fully aware in all of this that I have a pretty fabulous life. My job has become more than I ever imagined. I have thousands of kids that I love and value. I have gained friendships. Learned more about love. I sit on a lovely bed on Friday nights and down ice cream watching all The Lord of the Rings with zero accountability. I take bubble baths every so often. I eat out. And hold full ownership of the remote control. That's from a movie...can't remember which one;) 

I guess this blog doesn't have any glorious ending but I am hoping it is the start of some glorious beginnings. It's time to accept my life. It's time to accept my story. My curvy body. My emotional eating. My deep love of God. My lack of confidence in love. It's time to be just Me, Myself and I. 

Much love...

Alycesunny Out.