Saturday, November 13, 2010

a glimpse...

today i have to share my love. love that cannot be shared to the person i want more than anything to feel. i am learning the reality of all kinds of love. i know that part of life is learning the process of who to love. when to let go. when to hold on with everything. so many areas of love. gracious. but this morning. i woke up early. and decided to let myself feel. sounds like I am unfeeling but those of you who know this process i am going through, know that there is only healing when you let go of all the love you hold for someone and trust that the Lord will take care of the emptiness, the deep deep ache. but today...i love you. i miss you.
love me.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

a mOmEnt...

alright people i feel as if my blogs have been a little bit heavy...ok ok there's no "feel" about it...they are. So i had to share a moment. one that happened a few weeks ago. provo, ut. 8:30pm. i had just gone on my "unofficial" first date...those of you who know the meaning of this, great. thost of you who dont...well...too bad suckas!:) so my first date back to life happened to be with my senior prom date and very good friend dane. now dane is a pretty incredible individual. he has been an amazing friend from the days way back when when winnie the pooh sweatshirts and overalls were the latest craze. (ok ok so they weren't but i wasn't super up to date on the clothes and was a few years/decades behind)he endured the longest prom date ever and has sat and listened to countless hours of me, i love him. so he and i decided the best way back for me into the dating world is to go with style. he planned out the date. PF changs you can never go wrong. now, i look at the clock and its almost 9. whew, just in time for a goodnight hug and drive home. nope. whats next on the agenda you ask? Country Dancing. he rushes upstairs to get his "country" shirt. now time to go? Heck no. we need to warm up. so...this is dane's warm up dance. the memories it brought back were amazing. why would i share this moment? for a couple reasons. 1st i don't know how i will ever be able to express to him and the countless others in my life who have literally given me the gift of friendship, kindness, love, support, laughter and peace. that night, a piece of my heart was given back to me. i found myself video taping dane and giggling. sometimes really laughing. it felt so good. later we danced like fools. 2nd it had been so long. music. people.and dancing. i loved every minute of it. i was alive again. you will love this too. have a good one. Al

Friday, November 5, 2010

oDe To Life...

i must confess i have clicked on my blog often through these past weeks...waiting for a moment of inspiration. i dont think im much of a blogger. the day to day stuff may only cause me and others too much grief. truth be told i am at a low at this time that i didn't think would prompt a post...but it has.

i have been reflecting alot on pain. gosh just reading that makes me embarrassed. to be more specific, i have been focusing on my pain. sometimes in the thick of my emotion i find a moment of relief. sometimes even a couple days. then i submerse myself again in the challange of facing the pain of my experiences. i have come to discover there are different forms of pain. the first form of pain is when you are filled with the deepest, darkest pain. you can't breathe, you can't think. the world looks ugly...bleak and the ability to see somewhat clearly is out the window. i can recall this emotion coming at such a time during my birthday this year. trust me. i am def. ready for my 27th birthday...this year just didn't kick off the 26th year off the best. Anywho... at this time i couldn't share this pain with anyone. i didn't even understand it myself. i remember the night before my birthday, people close to my heart, came over to celebrate. they didn't know. they still don't know the magnitude of their love or kindness. but even in all the good the pain was deep. it didn't go away for a long time. it still hasnt, which takes me to the second...

the second form of pain is the kind of pain you feel when you almost want to resurface it to relieve yourself from the panic of living again. whew, that sounded complex...let me explain. as a child i remember getting sick with the flu. the respose was...chicken soup, no school, movies in bed all day...take out the throwing up part and it was a pretty decent set up right?:) soooo...when the pain subsided and the throw-up mind decided...maybe i could be sick for JUST a little bit longer??:) so i would attempt the symptoms and mom would give me another day. whats funny about that day is that it becomes...boring, long, tedious and not what I bargined for...why? because i wasn't sick. i didn't need the soup, bed and movies anymore...They didn't bring the comfort they did before. This is often what this second pain is like. we want it in our lives to protect us from life. but it doesn't give the results we want because it is not real anymore.Wait that is not fully true. it is still real. very real. but its in the past. as horrible, sick and deep that pain was. it is now onto a different form. the more we try to "relive" it as it was, the more tedious and long the healing process becomes.

The third form of pain is perhaps the hardest to break. it is actually the place i am in far too often in this part of my life. to illustrate i can't deny that my mind reflects on my special edu kids. One day in particular i was trying to calm sholten down. oh he had so much inside of him and pain was so hard to help. his history was heartbreaking. he was somewhat none verbal except for his sing-song phrases that made your heart melt. as situations became more bleak for my sholten his episodes became unbearable. on this day he had grabbed my arm in a death grip and sunk his teeth into my arm. it lasted for over an hour. the pain subsided but his eyes held mine as he refused to let go. i remember learning in training to not combat with emotion. I calmly sat on the floor with sholten, his teeth sunk into my arm. i tried to speak softly to him. i shared with him that i was sorry he was hurting. i wanted to help. but hurting me was not the answer. slowly his grip lessened and he released. he layed on the floor and started to sob, singing softly, "help sholten, help sholten". i couldn't deny the tears that filled my eyes too. why is it that we hurt the very ones that are trying to help? This third form of pain is when we hurt others because of our own pain. we zone out of the effects of our actions. it seems because we have been hurt by others, people who we trusted with everthing,that we begin to feel the numbness at hurting others. sometimes lashing out at others helps the ache, the absolute dismay that someone believed we were worthless enough, or they were more important than how we were treated. Shockingly enough we do the same, in survival, to others.

is it truly all our fault? no. can we stop the reality of deep pain resurfacing in our lives? even if its a couple months? a year? 10 years? a lifetime? i don't think so. what we learn, is how to package it and how to treat others as we patiently go through this process. i thought of sholten this morning as i have had to face the reality that i have been figurativly "biting" the arms of my loved ones. family. friends. co-workers. i have been drowning. but i haven't taken myself to the last form of pain...i have struggled to package it to progress.

WAhooooooo...we are at the end of this very random post of feelings and guck...the last form of pain is the step i desire to take and understand. this is the process of honesty. questions like, "why do i feel this way? what is my desired outcome? in the end of this experience (which there will be an end) what do i want to become? what is my reality?" even if we are far from our reality...we must honestly face that we are far from it. whether by choice, experiences, and/or both. then we begin to package. we get a box ready with all the trimmings. in this box we put all our pain, remorse, anxiety, justice, injustice, heart ache, perhaps love, hate, and realities. once this is fully exhausted, we close it up. using your strongest packaging tape and label it. don't throw it away. there are days. events and moments that this package must be opened. looked at and felt. it reminds us of our lessons. of our change. but not continuously. perhaps to a get a "sick day" every once and awhile...or when appropriate to the real pain. now that that is packaged up...what do we do with our "empty" days? days filled with large gaps where the pain use to reside? the love? the sadness? the memories?...we build again. brick by brick.

heck you could start with sticks or even hay but...yall know how those ended...i am at this point. bricks.

this makes me think of Africa when we had dug out the foundation for the schools. we waited for the "cement". three seperate trucks pulled up. one pile, sand. 2nd pile, rocks. 3rd pile, cement mix. hmmmmm not looking pretty. I feel this exact feeling in this part of my life. I have taken far too long starring at the three piles wondering how i got here. "build again??" I exclaim in absolute shock. "but what i had was so good! so right! it took work, and choices and i liked who i was...what i had...where i was its just...GONE????" but it takes a deeper trust. trust in One who knows more of this home. these bricks. so here i am...ready to grab a shovel, get some sand,rocks, and cement mix and pour the water of choice to begin the tedious and powerful process of building. the difference in this moment than to others is my deep desire of paying for a contractor this time. it will take a price. time. effort. but I want it this way. i cant blame him anymore. i cant be angry. it is time to build. i will let you know how it goes... have a good one. love...aly.