I may or may not have confessed my somewhat obsession with Hallmark as of late. The blasted hook came during the Christmas Holiday's. When all single women are weak. All those lovely songs of Chestnuts Roasting, Baby its cold outside and All I want for Christmas is you. Its bound to cause a minor nervous breakdown or an outlet. Mine...Hallmark. With this being said, I found after sharing this confession the laughter from at least 60% of the women listening caused me to question..."Am I not alone?!"...which then of course prompted the need for another blog of thoughts...or perhaps gibberish...you be the judge.
This week I feel in love again. I feel in love with love. All growing up I had a Mother who loved the celebration of holiday's...especially Valentines Day. Bags of candies sitting at our plates, crafted hearts filled with sincere thoughts of our greatest qualities and breakfast where everything possible was pink/red or a muted mesh of both...even the milk...Blehk...Bless that woman. Yet with every small trinket, silly valentine or sugary treat...there is something innately addicting about Love.
Many of you, I am sure, are at this point cracking up at my oober slow reality that Love is truly what makes the world go round. Trust me...I was on the Love Train...it just hit some serious bumps these past couple of years.
Don't get me wrong. I knew real heartache at a very young age...Like in 2nd Grade When I specifically picked the perfect Valentine card to place in the Heartthrob of my dreams Valentine Box ...Only to receive a valentine from him with a GI Joe on it saying, "Your Neat." Crushed.
Or perhaps the time when I was sick and tired of the billions of stuffed bears filling the office at Spanish Fork High and bought myself flowers to have sent to me my junior year...yeah. True Story. And yes...I did act surprised all day. Shameful.
Lets not even begin with the many girls nights of ice cream hangovers and dangerous games of truth or dare, or music videos that should never be seen in public. but are. Blast You Tube.
Yet with the many many stories of unrequited love...the success stories are far too deep and far too profound. Like the love of a baby Nephew who is fresh from waking up and lets you snuggle with him for at least 10 minutes. Or the letter that comes at the perfect moment from Grandpa with words that not only bring peace but connect me to God. Or the 5 year old nephew who walks confidently in my room during Dance class, Valentine in hand, dressed to the hilt as my knight in shining armor, cologne and all. A good smelling man...my weakness. The list could go on and on...
And slowly, like the Grinch in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" my heart starts to feel...Tingly. As I drove home this holiday, late after my adult Ballroom Class. The tears started to flow. And unlike many nights of deep sadness...these were different. Not tears of pain. or Sorrow. or even of Joy. Nope. These were tears of being. Tears of being received "as is". Tears of feeling. Just feeling.
We didn't get to the TeleTubbies moment...no worries. There's always next time. Until then...this is my shout out to the many many people in my life who have held my heart these past few years and throughout my life. It has not been easy but so very very worth it. I'm back on the Love Train...Oh heck...that is a total Hallmark Line...Gotta break this...
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Today I am home sick. I can count on one hand the days I have taken off work for being sick. Its not in my blood to be sick. Or perhaps its not in my blood to take off work when I'm sick. But this is the nasty flu that half of America seems to have and I was feeling a bit left out. What is it about sick days that immediately cause you to reflect on your life and all the messes you seem to be in at present. Perhaps part of it is because you can only sit on the couch, sucking on a saltine cracker, hoping the aches will pass before you supposedly "Die". Thus causing you to reflect in all aspects of your life. So...here I am. Back to the Blog I have left long ago...supposing it was just a moment for me to cope with my divorce. But today I am drawn to it. I want to wax philosophical and create the most spell binding blog but in truth...I just need to share some feelings.
When I was young, nothing could get in my way. I assume most of us were like that. When we lived in Lindon, Ut I organized a neighborhood parade. Not sure if there was a particular holiday aside from me wanting to dress up like a clown but with 20 or so kids we created a parade for our parents to come out to see. Of course by the time it started my Velcro-strap-on skates were not working so hot and I was devastated. But the show must go on...and it did.
Of course there was the monthly neighborhood class that was held in my room with 4-5 victims that had their own blanket space, cup of cheerios and a hour long lesson on the ABC's that they already knew by heart. I thought I was destined for teaching. They were bored to death:)
Fashion never seem to intimidate me as I crimped my hair regularly and had no shame in the natural poof I called "Curly Hair". Nor did I seem to care that almost every Halloween I was the same creepy Witch. Repetition was needed. Or so I thought. Bless those neighbors who acted surprised every Halloween at my "Creepy Witch".
Perhaps "Nothing getting in my way" went a little overboard when in 3rd grade I was trying to show off to my long held crush, David Clark...by stealing the soccer ball from his team and making a goal. Of course to get that ball I accidentally tripped and landed quite hard on another team mate. When he came in the next day with a full arm cast...Lets just say I wasn't first pick for anything at recess except for tag and ya'll know how that always ended up. Don't pretend. You know...(wink wink).
Not even getting into the invincible teen years as well as the glorious single adult years...(Another Time...I am sure you are dying to hear all those tales eh?:) I find myself sitting at my computer in Gilbert, AZ and I feel so very...Clear. That sentence doesn't even make sense eh? Perhaps its the "Sick" talking but I wish I could pull out of a hat that deep confidence I had as a child that whether success or failure. I was in.
I want to be back "in" in life. Yes, there are politically crazy things happening. Our World is just as the Brethren have stated for years it would be. The plagues are on full force and have very little to do with frogs, flies and water turning to blood. But they are deep and long lasting. Creating a wake of Dreams lost, Hope diminished, and souls stuck in the belief that no one can save them. But I refuse to buy it.
This weekend I had some great moments at the beach in CA. I decided at Santa Monica Pier that I am done being a victim. I truly haven't tried to be but...it just creeps in so subtly. But then I realized while watching all the cute Asian couples take billions of pictures of the seagulls...My life is exactly what it is supposed to be. In all of my confidences as a child...I have a deeper reality of me. Its messy in some areas but the absolutes far outweigh the doubts. Perhaps I need to get back into neighborhood classes, Parades and the occasional "Creepy Witch" dress up. Back to being sick. I will write soon...I think I need it:)