Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Definition of Crazy...

When I was little I was smack dab in the middle of boys. Of course I don’t blame mom and dad for this breech in fairness but there it was. All growing up, I would either be battling with Joshua, caleb or jon. Reality was, I would rarely win, until I pulled the “only girl” card…which worked perfectly with dad. Often in our little tiffs when we were caught the “Blame Game” would begin. I was, of course, always innocent and he was the terrible person. Mom would finally send us to the couch where we were forced to hold hands and sit there until we were willing to apologize and make up. Our grips on each others hand would sometimes become more and more firm, trying to squeeze and weaken the other to tears. But then, something strange would happen, we would start to giggle. Then laugh out loud until we were past our anger and would make up and become best friends yet again. Mom was brilliant.

How I wish such a time out could happen on the couch for me at this time. Right now, I am in a deep and real battle with someone who held my heart a year and half ago. Sadly we are not even at the point of sitting on the couch holding hands, nor do I think we ever will. Nor do I think that such an action could fix or mend what has happened or occurred.

I do remember one day when mom had us sit on the couch and caleb started to cry. Why? Because in this case, he was innocent. I was the aggressor and had pushed him to get angry and then sat back and watched him get in trouble. I promise I was not some devil child, but the reality was…I felt justified and needed to blame someone…and the only one in the room was my poor little brother Caleb. This time we sat for a long time. My anger at being caught caused me to not care of my little brother sitting next to me, sad that mom was angry at him for doing something that he sincerely did NOT do. finally I glanced over at him and felt that warm and sick feeling in my heart and stomach, that I had done something wrong. And not just wrong, but mean. And the only one that could fix it was, me. There was only two in the room…caleb and I. Truth had to come out. It was a hard step for me but I remember sharing with mom what “really” happened and mom had me hug caleb and apologize and caleb left as I had a talk with mom.

Sometimes its so empowering to have truth on your side but more often than not…it can be quite painful. Especially when you know that many would rather have the juicy details that cause a gasp or pity or anger than the basic and sad truth. The hardest part of marriage and even more so divorce is that there are only two people involved, and yet so many take claim on what “really” happened and flippantly share the character of both or one side. Yes parents, friends and others can hear bits and pieces and even a therapist can hear the “entire” story and still truth can be hidden in the heart of the one who knows realistically the reason for such choices. And more often than not, there are two stories. Two sides. Two feelings hurt and struggling to understand why they are on the couch in time out. Embarrassingly as I have felt a piece of what Caleb felt years ago as I sit wracking my brain to understand the outcome of my marriage, I realize how often I have been that person who seeks for the juicy details or shares a flippant comment of someone, not even realizing what that does to someone’s heart.

The past few weeks I have come home to face such demons. Funny as it sounds, I am shocked every time I hear another rumor or dig at my marriage or my level of sanity. Perhaps it is my ego, which those close to me, know I have. Not gonna lie, this last year and a half has definitely helped in the ego department but I seem to still have that prideful and real part of me that hates being talked about…especially something so very painful and real as my marriage and divorce. And perhaps its because of my desire to turn a blind eye to this entire mess and snap my fingers like Mary Poppin’s and my life is tidy and put back together. And perhaps sometimes, I hear such things and seriously doubt myself and my thinking. The cycle begins…am I crazy? Do I ruin people? can a person have a life-time of good and then suddenly…poof…their nuts? And ending with perhaps, I deserved what happened…perhaps this is the truth.

I looked up the work Crazy in the dictionary this morning and here are some definitions that I found;
a. A mentally deranged person
b. Informal Insane
c. Intensely involved or preoccupied
d. Foolish or Impractical
e. fantastic; Strange; Ridiculous
f. Slang for very Good or Excellent

hmmmm…Option A? Nope…at least not yet…lets wait until im 89 yrs old and then check back in. Option B? perhaps after this divorce…border line. Option C? Yes and Sometimes…Especially when trying to multi-task. Option D? hmmm Nope. Bless my parents for this but the OCD/Type A in me wouldn’t allow it. Option E? Yes. Sadly Yes. and Yes. Option F? TBA although I know my heart is def. good…whether excellent is the word I use for myself…not likely.

So there is a nice dose of truth. Take it or leave it. Its time to blast what demons I can and leave the rest to the Lord, who has taken care of me in ways I never dreamed possible. I do believe while I sit on the couch with my hand waiting for the other…the Lord takes a seat and quietly holds on. I will stop trying to squeeze his hand and trust that he knows how to make all things right. Even if truth sits in my aching heart, and tears begin to fall…We can do this.

Have a good one. Love…me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

iTs BeCauSe...

a few nights ago, my heart was touched by an unexpected visit and friendship. a high school friend whom i have always loved brought his wife and sister to the greatest place created in arizona...bahama bucks. pure happiness. i had not seen greg since high school and could not get over that he was now a father of 2. his wife and sister were absolutely gorgeous and their inner light matched the outer. during our discussion i not only felt safe to share my past year of experiences but an experience i hadn't even fully digested. since this talk the experience has come to me over and over again. as always, my blog comes to mind. hopefully as time passes, these blogs can become more lighthearted and simple in their expression. or maybe your just STUCK with this over-thoughtful, somewhat meloncholy Alycesun for good...truthfully...i think both can exist and that is the path ahead.

a few weeks ago i went on a 10 day high school trip. the intensity of the trip and exhaustion i felt from a year full of ups and downs seemed to all combine as we traveled from rhode island to conneticut to new york and lastly boston. On wednesday we were at six flags. the air was thick with humidity and the kids were loving life. around 4 the park closed down rides early sharing the need because of weather conditions. We slowly collected our 18 students and headed to the vans. As we came around the bend of springfield, mass. we noticed dark, ugly looking clouds. the traffic was congested and as we looked closer, the main street looked like a war zone. we pulled out our phones and found the cause. tornados. 4 to be exact. i was totally confused and asked one of the chaperone's who is a native to new england. "new england has tornados?" her rely..."this is the first in my lifetime."...of course...

what followed was one of the most intense afternoons and nights i have experienced in awhile. we moved from resturant to resturant seeking shelter as we tried to get to our hotel in Boston...we sought for divine intervention. all 4 chaperones were religious and in a last attempt to receive quidance we went to the back of the resturant and prayed for direct quidance of where to go for safety. north. immediate peace. we climb into our silent vans. students silently prayed, listened to ipods and watched the weather worsen outside. the lightning was unreal. flooding filled the streets and yet the peace was tangable.

as i sat in the front of the van looking into one of the scarier storms i have been in, muddled thoughts seemed to fill my mind. half a prayer of help and half a prayer of gratitude. over and over again i simply asked for help. we need help. suddenly memories of a similar moment filled my heart. i was in arizona. at my grandpas beautiful ranch. my husband has just shared that he wanted a divorce. grandpa asked to have some time with him...i don't remember much of those moments...i stumbled out into the dessert...the gorgeous sun was shining. i fell to my knees and asked in full desperation to my Heavenly Father over and over again to please help me, my marriage...i didn't understand...i needed help. i would love to say my words were filled with hope and faith. i was in unknown territory...little did i know the reality of what was ahead. slowly peace filled my heart. i knew it was going to be ok.

now as i sat in my chair the same peace filled my heart and a simple statement came into my mind as I asked for safety..."Aly, I have always taken care of you." to which, I as the far too Sassy and Stubborn woman I am, immediately thought, "You know...Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Your not MY idea of Ok." Surprisingly anger filled my heart as I watched the storm outside. "i don't like this. the knot in the stomach. the panic of safety. the constant anxiety of what do to next. why?"...

then the moment it always does. the quiet voice inside my head seemed to almost smile. my thoughts quieted and the statement that followed my "Sometimes it doesn't FEEL like it..." came. "Its because I don't take away the Tornado's."...the truth of that statement filled my heart. a year i sat in a van, in boston, massachusats the clarity of the dessert came to me. it was ok. it wasn't amazing. it wasn't the outcome i would have chosen, but a year and half later...with ZERO tornados taken was ok. truthfully is was better than was a deep, real ok. filled with peace never understood if experiences had not occured. huh. so perhaps the need to share this experience with greg, mimi and Megan and now on my blog is because i feel the deep power of this hard principle.

i wish i could take away the pain of so many hearts right now. there seems to be an abundance of "tornados" in the lives of so many. As i hear story after seems, that they are not being taken away. why? Because...God will have a Strong People. He must...if we are to be able to fight and conquer this life. i watch my brother and his incredible wife and little boy...why must they battle the deaths of 2 beautiful girls...because it has the potential to make them better than they ever perhaps in those moments when the pain is so real...or the frustration builds up in the day to day realities...and your thinking, "Sometimes Heavenly just doesn't FEEL like your are taking care of things...Your NOT my idea of OK" which I can see him smile in a loving way and state, "its because...i don't take away the tornados...its must grow to become great. its because...growth comes from deep opposition. its day you will see clearly. AND your ok, will be the same as my ok. its because.. i love you."

Have a good one. love...aly

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sarah Clare

dear beautiful sarah,

i am sitting here in my room on this beautiful easter morning and my thoughts are on you and your beautiful family. i love your dad so very much. he and i used to play with each other all the time. part if it was out of sheer force...we didn't have friends:) the rest of it was sheer adoration. i thought he was the perfect brother. he would laugh at my jokes, follow my crazy schemes and always hug me when i was sad. joshua saw my passion and crazy spirit, and just smiled. the question that has plagued my life this past year has seemed to repeat itself as I watched your sweet parents face yet another loss of a beautiful little girl. why. i will never forget my brothers face as i walked down the hall of a place meant for happy endings. the hallways smell of new baby. pictures of gorgeous little ones fill the hallway. all i can hear is my footsteps and my heart is quietly aching for the reality of this moment. i see his face...oh sarah, he is so very sad. his beautiful wife, your mom, holding hands in a silent room waiting for their beautiful sarah to come.

then you came. the moment filled with sorrow and deep joy. now they are facing each day without you for now. your mom is facing the lonely ache of 2 beautiful little girls waiting for her in heaven. i needed to fully introduce myself. im aly. your aunt. im far from perfect and as you will see through the years on the other the sassy one. i have lost a loved one, but not in the way your family experienced. mine still lives, but has decided that he doesn't want me. sounds so pitiful...perhaps it is. but sarah, i cannot deny that this experience has only made me better. it is slow process. letting go of dreams, is not an easy buisness. my sweet brother, your dad and your beautiful mom are facing this exerience in a very raw way as well. joshua used to be the most sensitive brother with my stuffed animals. he would hold the babies for me, because i def. didn't trust caleb...bless him and his buzz cut and army pants;) all he has wanted is to become a dad. it is a deep deep dream for him and cambree. they hurt now, but know the blessing is greater than they ever thought possible.

so. beautiful sarah. tell grandma alycesun i love her. please thank her for her presence in those dark nights when i did not want to live. and also being there in those moments when heaven and earth combine and joy seems so trite of a word. give gracie love from all of us. now that im in arizona i cannot visit her grave as often as i would like. i love her. i love you. i cant wait to meet you and hug you and kiss your perfect face. and from a sister perspective, your dad is still perfect. visit him and cambree often...they need you and gracie. you need them. and we all need what this day represesnts...our savior, Jesus Christ.


Thursday, February 10, 2011


My dream
I remember as a child, Filled with Excitement, I would rush to bed, ready for the outcome of another day. Stuffed animals surrounded my white blonde curly hair as I drifted into the dreams of the love I had felt all my life. My world was safe. My world was consistent. My Dreams, the Same.

As a Teenager, the “List” began. Girls Camp, New Beginnings it continued to take shape. Dreams changed by latest crushes and drama of the week. Identity began to take shape. I like colors. I hate Sushi. My world was new My World was exciting. My Dreams, the Same.

First night at college, tears roll down my cheeks. I am alone. I am small. How will I find my dream with so many other dreams crashing and racing to finish? Days turn into weeks. Schedule, Roomates, Dates, Finals…become second nature. Life is so good. Joy seeps in. New Love…Real Love begins. Heartbreak introduced. My world is raw. My world is constantly changing. My dreams, the same.

The day my dream began. My body tingled with the excitement. The air was crisp. Gorgeous day. My hair…perfect. My makeup…the same. Loved ones surround me. I go to my favorite place, the temple. The feeling, unforgettable. The reality…so right. “This is it” I think. “This is the feeling of Dreams.” I hold tightly to the hand of my dream, and walk into life, expecting the world to bow at my choices. My world is right. My world is complete. My dream, the same.

Today. High school students giggling in the hallways. “Ms. Clare” being spoken as easily as “Miss Alycesun”… Late nights with young girls in my family ward…listening to their lists and dreams and drama, hours of running hoping to feel something again, memories of Shaun holding my hand…touching my face, missing Africa and what it brought to me. The view of Majestic Mountains, now the view of a gorgeous sunrise. Which is better…I thought I knew. My world is thick with emotion. My world is back to basics. My world is fragile and new. My world is far from what I expected but potentially All I need. My dream…the Same.

have a good one...


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Yet another moment...

it surprises me that i have not written since my wedding day anniversary. perhaps i shouldn't say it that way, but it was such an incredible day, can't seem to make it a negative. today i watched a movie. one that had the love of my life sharing his feelings about me and us.

i sat on my bed in Gilbert, Arizona and just enjoyed for a moment the memories, quirks and sweetness of my life a year and a half ago...i found myself giggling at answers, smiling at inside jokes and just missing voices of loved ones. as the movie ended i had to shake myself with the deep acceptance of my life. i like myself today. well, i did. but after the movie my heart starts the panic, the absolute dive into the surreal emotions of this time come crashing in, and for a split second i wonder if its all a dream. or perhaps someone will come around the corner cracking up stating, "You've been Punked"...

nope. just another day. a beautiful one at that. I love the sunshine, and Arizona is full of it. today was a huge step. no anger. no disgust or frustration. when i see the face of my past, i just...feel the emotion. acknowledge it. swallow. crank up the girl tunes. and start another day. each day, a little bit stronger. each day, a deeper gratitude for the love of so many. each day, choices made of what to feel, who to believe, what to become. visited my sister in law who now lives near me. kissed my nephew. and listened with a broken heart to her heart. why so many at this time in life must let go of "dreams" for new ones is beyond me...but i see the light in her eyes, the deep understanding that all things will come to an understanding one day. i know it. so...another day letting go of a beautiful beautiful was lovely. Until that day, when the new dream astounds me with its realities...another day. lets do this.