Thursday, February 10, 2011


My dream
I remember as a child, Filled with Excitement, I would rush to bed, ready for the outcome of another day. Stuffed animals surrounded my white blonde curly hair as I drifted into the dreams of the love I had felt all my life. My world was safe. My world was consistent. My Dreams, the Same.

As a Teenager, the “List” began. Girls Camp, New Beginnings it continued to take shape. Dreams changed by latest crushes and drama of the week. Identity began to take shape. I like colors. I hate Sushi. My world was new My World was exciting. My Dreams, the Same.

First night at college, tears roll down my cheeks. I am alone. I am small. How will I find my dream with so many other dreams crashing and racing to finish? Days turn into weeks. Schedule, Roomates, Dates, Finals…become second nature. Life is so good. Joy seeps in. New Love…Real Love begins. Heartbreak introduced. My world is raw. My world is constantly changing. My dreams, the same.

The day my dream began. My body tingled with the excitement. The air was crisp. Gorgeous day. My hair…perfect. My makeup…the same. Loved ones surround me. I go to my favorite place, the temple. The feeling, unforgettable. The reality…so right. “This is it” I think. “This is the feeling of Dreams.” I hold tightly to the hand of my dream, and walk into life, expecting the world to bow at my choices. My world is right. My world is complete. My dream, the same.

Today. High school students giggling in the hallways. “Ms. Clare” being spoken as easily as “Miss Alycesun”… Late nights with young girls in my family ward…listening to their lists and dreams and drama, hours of running hoping to feel something again, memories of Shaun holding my hand…touching my face, missing Africa and what it brought to me. The view of Majestic Mountains, now the view of a gorgeous sunrise. Which is better…I thought I knew. My world is thick with emotion. My world is back to basics. My world is fragile and new. My world is far from what I expected but potentially All I need. My dream…the Same.

have a good one...


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Yet another moment...

it surprises me that i have not written since my wedding day anniversary. perhaps i shouldn't say it that way, but it was such an incredible day, can't seem to make it a negative. today i watched a movie. one that had the love of my life sharing his feelings about me and us.

i sat on my bed in Gilbert, Arizona and just enjoyed for a moment the memories, quirks and sweetness of my life a year and a half ago...i found myself giggling at answers, smiling at inside jokes and just missing voices of loved ones. as the movie ended i had to shake myself with the deep acceptance of my life. i like myself today. well, i did. but after the movie my heart starts the panic, the absolute dive into the surreal emotions of this time come crashing in, and for a split second i wonder if its all a dream. or perhaps someone will come around the corner cracking up stating, "You've been Punked"...

nope. just another day. a beautiful one at that. I love the sunshine, and Arizona is full of it. today was a huge step. no anger. no disgust or frustration. when i see the face of my past, i just...feel the emotion. acknowledge it. swallow. crank up the girl tunes. and start another day. each day, a little bit stronger. each day, a deeper gratitude for the love of so many. each day, choices made of what to feel, who to believe, what to become. visited my sister in law who now lives near me. kissed my nephew. and listened with a broken heart to her heart. why so many at this time in life must let go of "dreams" for new ones is beyond me...but i see the light in her eyes, the deep understanding that all things will come to an understanding one day. i know it. so...another day letting go of a beautiful beautiful was lovely. Until that day, when the new dream astounds me with its realities...another day. lets do this.