a few nights ago, my heart was touched by an unexpected visit and friendship. a high school friend whom i have always loved brought his wife and sister to the greatest place created in arizona...bahama bucks. pure happiness. i had not seen greg since high school and could not get over that he was now a father of 2. his wife and sister were absolutely gorgeous and their inner light matched the outer. during our discussion i not only felt safe to share my past year of experiences but an experience i hadn't even fully digested. since this talk the experience has come to me over and over again. as always, my blog comes to mind. hopefully as time passes, these blogs can become more lighthearted and simple in their expression. or maybe your just STUCK with this over-thoughtful, somewhat meloncholy Alycesun for good...truthfully...i think both can exist and that is the path ahead.
a few weeks ago i went on a 10 day high school trip. the intensity of the trip and exhaustion i felt from a year full of ups and downs seemed to all combine as we traveled from rhode island to conneticut to new york and lastly boston. On wednesday we were at six flags. the air was thick with humidity and the kids were loving life. around 4 the park closed down rides early sharing the need because of weather conditions. We slowly collected our 18 students and headed to the vans. As we came around the bend of springfield, mass. we noticed dark, ugly looking clouds. the traffic was congested and as we looked closer, the main street looked like a war zone. we pulled out our phones and found the cause. tornados. 4 to be exact. i was totally confused and asked one of the chaperone's who is a native to new england. "new england has tornados?" her rely..."this is the first in my lifetime."...of course...
what followed was one of the most intense afternoons and nights i have experienced in awhile. we moved from resturant to resturant seeking shelter as we tried to get to our hotel in Boston...we sought for divine intervention. all 4 chaperones were religious and in a last attempt to receive quidance we went to the back of the resturant and prayed for direct quidance of where to go for safety. north. immediate peace. we climb into our silent vans. students silently prayed, listened to ipods and watched the weather worsen outside. the lightning was unreal. flooding filled the streets and yet the peace was tangable.
as i sat in the front of the van looking into one of the scarier storms i have been in, muddled thoughts seemed to fill my mind. half a prayer of help and half a prayer of gratitude. over and over again i simply asked for help. we need help. suddenly memories of a similar moment filled my heart. i was in arizona. at my grandpas beautiful ranch. my husband has just shared that he wanted a divorce. grandpa asked to have some time with him...i don't remember much of those moments...i stumbled out into the dessert...the gorgeous sun was shining. i fell to my knees and asked in full desperation to my Heavenly Father over and over again to please help me, my marriage...i didn't understand...i needed help. i would love to say my words were filled with hope and faith. i was in unknown territory...little did i know the reality of what was ahead. slowly peace filled my heart. i knew it was going to be ok.
now as i sat in my chair the same peace filled my heart and a simple statement came into my mind as I asked for safety..."Aly, I have always taken care of you." to which, I as the far too Sassy and Stubborn woman I am, immediately thought, "You know...Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Your Ok...is not MY idea of Ok." Surprisingly anger filled my heart as I watched the storm outside. "i don't like this. the knot in the stomach. the panic of safety. the constant anxiety of what do to next. why?"...
then the moment came...as it always does. the quiet voice inside my head seemed to almost smile. my thoughts quieted and the statement that followed my "Sometimes it doesn't FEEL like it..." came. "Its because I don't take away the Tornado's."...the truth of that statement filled my heart. a year later...as i sat in a van, in boston, massachusats the clarity of the dessert came to me. it was ok. it wasn't amazing. it wasn't the outcome i would have chosen, but a year and half later...with ZERO tornados taken away...it was ok. truthfully is was better than ok...it was a deep, real ok. filled with peace never understood if experiences had not occured. huh. so perhaps the need to share this experience with greg, mimi and Megan and now on my blog is because i feel the deep power of this hard principle.
i wish i could take away the pain of so many hearts right now. there seems to be an abundance of "tornados" in the lives of so many. As i hear story after story...it seems, that they are not being taken away. why? Because...God will have a Strong People. He must...if we are to be able to fight and conquer this life. i watch my brother and his incredible wife and little boy...why must they battle the deaths of 2 beautiful girls...because it has the potential to make them better than they ever imagined...so perhaps in those moments when the pain is so real...or the frustration builds up in the day to day realities...and your thinking, "Sometimes Heavenly Father...it just doesn't FEEL like your are taking care of things...Your Ok...is NOT my idea of OK"...to which I can see him smile in a loving way and state, "its because...i don't take away the tornados...its because...you must grow to become great. its because...growth comes from deep opposition. its because...one day you will see clearly. AND your ok, will be the same as my ok. its because.. i love you."
Have a good one. love...aly