Sunday, June 12, 2011

iTs BeCauSe...

a few nights ago, my heart was touched by an unexpected visit and friendship. a high school friend whom i have always loved brought his wife and sister to the greatest place created in arizona...bahama bucks. pure happiness. i had not seen greg since high school and could not get over that he was now a father of 2. his wife and sister were absolutely gorgeous and their inner light matched the outer. during our discussion i not only felt safe to share my past year of experiences but an experience i hadn't even fully digested. since this talk the experience has come to me over and over again. as always, my blog comes to mind. hopefully as time passes, these blogs can become more lighthearted and simple in their expression. or maybe your just STUCK with this over-thoughtful, somewhat meloncholy Alycesun for good...truthfully...i think both can exist and that is the path ahead.

a few weeks ago i went on a 10 day high school trip. the intensity of the trip and exhaustion i felt from a year full of ups and downs seemed to all combine as we traveled from rhode island to conneticut to new york and lastly boston. On wednesday we were at six flags. the air was thick with humidity and the kids were loving life. around 4 the park closed down rides early sharing the need because of weather conditions. We slowly collected our 18 students and headed to the vans. As we came around the bend of springfield, mass. we noticed dark, ugly looking clouds. the traffic was congested and as we looked closer, the main street looked like a war zone. we pulled out our phones and found the cause. tornados. 4 to be exact. i was totally confused and asked one of the chaperone's who is a native to new england. "new england has tornados?" her rely..."this is the first in my lifetime."...of course...

what followed was one of the most intense afternoons and nights i have experienced in awhile. we moved from resturant to resturant seeking shelter as we tried to get to our hotel in Boston...we sought for divine intervention. all 4 chaperones were religious and in a last attempt to receive quidance we went to the back of the resturant and prayed for direct quidance of where to go for safety. north. immediate peace. we climb into our silent vans. students silently prayed, listened to ipods and watched the weather worsen outside. the lightning was unreal. flooding filled the streets and yet the peace was tangable.

as i sat in the front of the van looking into one of the scarier storms i have been in, muddled thoughts seemed to fill my mind. half a prayer of help and half a prayer of gratitude. over and over again i simply asked for help. we need help. suddenly memories of a similar moment filled my heart. i was in arizona. at my grandpas beautiful ranch. my husband has just shared that he wanted a divorce. grandpa asked to have some time with him...i don't remember much of those moments...i stumbled out into the dessert...the gorgeous sun was shining. i fell to my knees and asked in full desperation to my Heavenly Father over and over again to please help me, my marriage...i didn't understand...i needed help. i would love to say my words were filled with hope and faith. i was in unknown territory...little did i know the reality of what was ahead. slowly peace filled my heart. i knew it was going to be ok.

now as i sat in my chair the same peace filled my heart and a simple statement came into my mind as I asked for safety..."Aly, I have always taken care of you." to which, I as the far too Sassy and Stubborn woman I am, immediately thought, "You know...Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Your not MY idea of Ok." Surprisingly anger filled my heart as I watched the storm outside. "i don't like this. the knot in the stomach. the panic of safety. the constant anxiety of what do to next. why?"...

then the moment it always does. the quiet voice inside my head seemed to almost smile. my thoughts quieted and the statement that followed my "Sometimes it doesn't FEEL like it..." came. "Its because I don't take away the Tornado's."...the truth of that statement filled my heart. a year i sat in a van, in boston, massachusats the clarity of the dessert came to me. it was ok. it wasn't amazing. it wasn't the outcome i would have chosen, but a year and half later...with ZERO tornados taken was ok. truthfully is was better than was a deep, real ok. filled with peace never understood if experiences had not occured. huh. so perhaps the need to share this experience with greg, mimi and Megan and now on my blog is because i feel the deep power of this hard principle.

i wish i could take away the pain of so many hearts right now. there seems to be an abundance of "tornados" in the lives of so many. As i hear story after seems, that they are not being taken away. why? Because...God will have a Strong People. He must...if we are to be able to fight and conquer this life. i watch my brother and his incredible wife and little boy...why must they battle the deaths of 2 beautiful girls...because it has the potential to make them better than they ever perhaps in those moments when the pain is so real...or the frustration builds up in the day to day realities...and your thinking, "Sometimes Heavenly just doesn't FEEL like your are taking care of things...Your NOT my idea of OK" which I can see him smile in a loving way and state, "its because...i don't take away the tornados...its must grow to become great. its because...growth comes from deep opposition. its day you will see clearly. AND your ok, will be the same as my ok. its because.. i love you."

Have a good one. love...aly


  1. Alycesun, you are amazing and I am so glad I have been able to know you even just a little bit. You are an example of amazing strength and testimony. I have learned so much from you. This entry was very moving and oh so true. Thanks for sharing. :)

  2. Thanks for sharing this.
    You don't know how much I needed to hear this today.
    Your mom and I were talking once about inner struggles-it was an amazing, eye opening conversation that I have been thinking a lot about.
    I am so impressed with your strength and also your wisdom.
    Thanks again, I really, really needed this today.

  3. wow...that was beautiful. thank you so much for sharing that experience. you're right....our ok is sometimes a little different than God's but His ok is so much better, deeper, richer than our own. I love the way you described the feelings you have and the way you are coming to find peace in a situation that would break so many. I love you Aly! You are so strong and so beautiful.

  4. I needed this terribly today. Please please keep writing. You are so much sunshine in my life. Your words bring me so much peace. Thank you for sharing. I'm so impressed by you.

  5. thank you for sharing this... it has brought peace to my troubled heart. you are incredibly strong and so smart to LISTEN. i know sharing the pain isn't easy, but i appreciate it - it helps others more than you will ever know...

  6. Your right. Tornadoes make us stronger and we have to be a strong people in order to live with a perfect Father in Heaven. To each of our tornadoes, I say, "hang on and trust in the Lord." You're the greatest Aly!

  7. You have such an amazing testimony and your blog has truly brought me to truly think about some aspects of my life. My "OK" is different from God's and everyone else's but that is fine, because he is in charge Luckily).

  8. Thanks for this post stated by others above...I too needed to hear this today! Thank you for sharing your faith and hopefulness with are such a strong example!