Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sarah Clare

dear beautiful sarah,

i am sitting here in my room on this beautiful easter morning and my thoughts are on you and your beautiful family. i love your dad so very much. he and i used to play with each other all the time. part if it was out of sheer force...we didn't have friends:) the rest of it was sheer adoration. i thought he was the perfect brother. he would laugh at my jokes, follow my crazy schemes and always hug me when i was sad. joshua saw my passion and crazy spirit, and just smiled. the question that has plagued my life this past year has seemed to repeat itself as I watched your sweet parents face yet another loss of a beautiful little girl. why. i will never forget my brothers face as i walked down the hall of a place meant for happy endings. the hallways smell of new baby. pictures of gorgeous little ones fill the hallway. all i can hear is my footsteps and my heart is quietly aching for the reality of this moment. i see his face...oh sarah, he is so very sad. his beautiful wife, your mom, holding hands in a silent room waiting for their beautiful sarah to come.

then you came. the moment filled with sorrow and deep joy. now they are facing each day without you for now. your mom is facing the lonely ache of 2 beautiful little girls waiting for her in heaven. i needed to fully introduce myself. im aly. your aunt. im far from perfect and as you will see through the years on the other the sassy one. i have lost a loved one, but not in the way your family experienced. mine still lives, but has decided that he doesn't want me. sounds so pitiful...perhaps it is. but sarah, i cannot deny that this experience has only made me better. it is slow process. letting go of dreams, is not an easy buisness. my sweet brother, your dad and your beautiful mom are facing this exerience in a very raw way as well. joshua used to be the most sensitive brother with my stuffed animals. he would hold the babies for me, because i def. didn't trust caleb...bless him and his buzz cut and army pants;) all he has wanted is to become a dad. it is a deep deep dream for him and cambree. they hurt now, but know the blessing is greater than they ever thought possible.

so. beautiful sarah. tell grandma alycesun i love her. please thank her for her presence in those dark nights when i did not want to live. and also being there in those moments when heaven and earth combine and joy seems so trite of a word. give gracie love from all of us. now that im in arizona i cannot visit her grave as often as i would like. i love her. i love you. i cant wait to meet you and hug you and kiss your perfect face. and from a sister perspective, your dad is still perfect. visit him and cambree often...they need you and gracie. you need them. and we all need what this day represesnts...our savior, Jesus Christ.



  1. My heart breaks for them. Prayers being sent your/their way. Love you Aly.

  2. Aly,
    Thanks for the beautiful post.
    I wanted to tell you about our Sacrament meeting today. I think it was my favorite meeting of all time. Your father gave such a great talk on the atonement and he was so sweet as he talked about Sarah. I can't even explain the feelings we felt as we sat there listening to him, but there were several (not just my family) that didn't want the meeting to end today. The Spirit was so unbelievably strong.
    I thought of Elder Clare too--he has a lot of the same mannerisms as your dad and he will be a fantastic missionary.
    Thanks again for the post. We love your family so much!

  3. oh heartache. you are beautiful, though, aly. I am in awe of your grace.