aNgeR...turned to courage

i was up in Idaho again. I had fallen in love with a wonderful boy, moved to utah, believed my happily ever after was coming...and it ended. he wanted different. I didn't. the story is quite cliche. But now it was me. and it hurt. i remember the day i dressed for class as the days were getting colder up in Rexburg. I felt so low, but more than that, I felt angry. Angry at the Lord. up to that point in my life, he was everything to me. when i felt right, i did. thus the confusion on feeling such promptings and moving forward and then having life, choices and perspective change so dramatically. i trugged up the hill cursing every happy person i passed.(don't tell me you haven't done that:)) i walking into the clark building. basement, down a small hall and there was my small women's health class. the room was abuzz with giggles, stories and updates from the weekend. i felt removed. i slumped in my chair and waited for class to start. as our teacher walked in, the lights dimmed, our powerpoint began. 5 min. into class President Clark walked into the room. the 20 girls in the room shushed and he smiled a bit uncomfortably. he said hello and asked, "what class is this?" Our instructor smiled and said, "Women's Health." he nodded, said, "well...have a great day." and walked out. the door shut and everyone sat in puzzlement. hmmmm. not a minute later the door opened again. This time is was Elder Bednar. the room was silent.

tears flooded my eyes immediately. I felt a calm wash over me. he smiled and said, "Good morning Ladies. may I join you for a few minutes?" Our speechless instructor spoke up and said "of course, whatever you would like to do." He then looked around the room and while removing his coat said, "How about question/answer?" Then came an hour of 20 hands raised in the air, filling the air with deep questions of hurt, desire, and concerns. His answeres were simple. powerful. sincere. He was direct. He didn't mince words. As I listened to question after question i ached to ask him something. anything. didn't I have questions spilling out of me walking up to class, "why me?, what do I do with this ache? How do I move forward with faith? where is hope? do you know me? am i loved?" yet each question I had was answered in this moment with the spirit that filled the room. "of course you are loved Aly. You know I am aware. Give me your ache, I will help you in due time."

as the time came to a close, i ached that it had to end. i had not said a word. my mind screamed with one question, one thought or perhaps just a feeling. am i loved. do you know me. will i be ok. Elder Bednar closed his remarks for the last question and then looked at the floor. he looked up and started at the right side of the room. in the silence he looked at every girl in the room. when his eyes met mine, i couldn't look away. when he had looked at each girl, he then firmly stated, "sisters...at 10 minutes to 9 i felt a strong impression that someone on this campus needed to know that they were loved and known. I told Pres. Clark, we need to find the class. So we began at the top of campus and Pres. Clark would find out what class it was, come tell me, and I would wait to feel if it was the right class. When Pres. Clark said, "Women's Health" the spirit washed over me...so I ask you this...If you do not believe that God is an individual God, then why would he send an Apostle to a small women's health classroom to share with someone that they are loved and known? I repeat, If you do not believe that God is an individual God, then why would he send an Apostle to a small women's health classroom to make sure that someone knows that they are loved and known."

now reflecting on that experience years ago, i still feel the absolute shock of that moment when heaven and earth aligned. i believed at that time in my life that i had never known such pain, nor would i ever again. oh how i ache for that pain to the pain i feel now. of course had i not experienced such feelings long ago, i don't know if i would be able to experience what i have now. life is funny that way. ok i don't know if funny is exactly the right word;) but i think you know what i mean.


just yesterday i felt the familiar anger, magnified by 10 that i felt all those years ago. sometimes it is easier to feel anger so that it can blot out all the hard emotions that humility brings. i guess that's why my blog is titled, "courageous AND vulnerable"...there is something powerful in the vulnerable stage that happens to each of us...if we let it. but to get to that stage takes...courage. real courage. the kind that few dig up because it means facing yourself. your fear that God doesn't care or perhaps can't care. then in those breaking moments, those liberty jails...God answers. so here i am...again. im starting to see a pattern. i know, im slow on this one. but i am determined to be better. i cannot deny years ago the lord answered me distinctly. nor will i deny that he will again. until then, i can say with sincerity, i know that God is an individual God.

Have a Good one...