wHaT ThE MonKeY?!!

So being new to this whole "Blogging Fest" don't know how much of myself or my days I should share. Especially right now in my life. I wish I could share witty updates with silly stories and fun moments in my life...but I have never felt so utterly alone at this time in my life. Truthfully its kind of funny as I reflect on my life, quite often I was the one giving advice, sharing perspective and believing in a one day "Fairy Tale" Ending. Don't get me wrong I still believe and hope for that ending but like many others my life is now taking the turn that was never expected or desired. It seems I am scrabbling to find those who can give me advice, share perspective and give some glimmer of hope of a "Fairy Tale" ending. The hardest emotion I have faced is rejection. The other hardest emotion is facing myself. Both have been intense experiences these past few months.

I can recall years ago when working with my severely disabled students...Shilo was one of my favorites. He was out of control. Often when given an assignment, life skill or homework he would exclaim, "WHAT THE MONKEY?!!!" He would get his side ways smile that would always melt my heart and then shake his head while laughing as if this expectation of work was an absolute joke, and we should all know it. But he would plug along with his work until it was absolutely finished (apart of his OCD:) I remember one day he focused on screwing off a nut to a bolt over and over agin until all 50 nuts and bolts were pulled apart. I breezed by and started putting them away when Shilo, "What?! What the Monkey?! I need to out them together now..." As he shook his head and laughed at me, I chuckled, poured them out again and watched as he one by one put them back together. Something about Shilo that made this even more surprising was that he had severe withering on his left side. So his small and bunched up hand would slip and sometimes fail at keeping the bolt and nut in his hand. He would patiently pick it up and continue.

so...what the heck does that have to do with anything? Truthfully, I don't know. Except I find myself in more than one moment of my day thinking, "What the Monkey?!" How did this happen? How am I to heal? Will I ever be happy again? Will the ache go away? What can I do to be better from these experiences? and more often than not, the answers are not big, fabulous or easy...its simply picking up the nuts and bolts and one by one putting them together. I don't like it. But I am hoping that one day I can gain that same patience as Shilo.

...The End.